November 13th, 2016
Hillary R. Clinton
(Whereabouts Currently Undisclosed)
Re: Campaign and other donations on your behalf.
My Dear Hillary,
I trust this letter will find you ...
As you know, I invested substantial sums in your election campaign and coordinated activities with various groups supporting your candidacy.
My investments were made in light of your assurances to me that you had the people, means and "special tactics" (as you so delicately put it) to ensure a victorious campaign for the Presidency.
Your assurances to me were apparently inaccurate considering the final outcome, in particular running against a "novice politician with no governmental experience."
I must, at this point in time, add more 'pain' to your current state of humiliation unfortunately, and demand a refund of 75% of my aggregate investment on your behalf.
This should not be too difficult for you because you still have the bulk of donations collected on behalf of Haiti earthquake survivors in your foundation's accounts. Those Haitians would not have known what to do with it anyway, whereas I can put it to very good use for my own needs.
I am willing to write-off the other 25% on the basis of 'entertainment value' being that Mr. Trump's roast of you at the Alfred E. Smith Memorial Foundation Dinner was side-splittingly funny.
In fact, on a personal note, I found it so entertaining that I have been considering organizing a few little riots and/or protests to force a name change to the "Alfred E. Newman Memorial Foundation Dinner"! That in addition to my endless amusement at the memes put out by that Sir Kastic fellow on blogspot!
Surely you too can now fully see the humor because after all ... what difference, at this point, does it really make?
You see, Dear Hillary, your rather 'disappointing' campaign has unfortunately focused much unwanted attention on me, and as you know I can only do my best work when 'behind-the-scenes' as they say.
Therefore I will be relocating, and could use those extra funds back in my accounts in order to keep my jet fully fueled, and also there are some miscellaneous "expenses" I will also be incurring to keep certain people quiet ... I have no doubt you know precisely what I mean.
And to add to my personal woes, Mr. Putin has just issued an international arrest warrant for me, so I must choose my destination carefully. I may also choose Qatar, as you and Bill have, since I do remember you pointing out that there is no extradition treaty with the US there and my sources tell me the same applies to Russia!
I will appreciate your prompt attention to this matter as I'm sure you realize that time may not be on my side! Oh ho ho ... I made a little joke! Of course you realize that considering that you are faced with the same dilemma!
Stay well, Dear Hillary, and I will look for your check well in advance of January 20th, 2017 ... after which things could become much more complicated for all of us!
And please do say hello to Bill, Chelsea, Debbie, Donna, the Podesta brothers and the whole fun bunch at CNN for me!
The truth is very often much funnier than fiction!
(Of course, this is (semi) Satire from The Man in the Shiny Can ... like that would be a surprise on a blog like this!)